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It’s day 51 of 2012 and I am trying. Well maybe not everyday and definitely not as much as I could. Regardless, I haven’t forgotten that my focus for 2012 is DISCIPLINE. It’s a slow process with me, really. And it might take more than a year or two for it to take root, but it’s worth the time! I have become to used to doing what I want at the moment rather than looking on to the bigger pictures and the things I want to accomplish. I need to remember that my life, my time, are not my own.
In February I have been focusing on getting to work on time and taking time daily to count my blessings. So I have been collecting inspiration to help me stay focused.
Source: moneysavingmom.com via Mari on Pinterest
Words to remember when I want to stay sleeping
Source: Uploaded by user via Mari on Pinterest
What I think at the end of most days…
Source: everydaypeoplecartoons.com via Mari on Pinterest
In everything, remember
Source: time-warp-wife.blogspot.com via Mari on Pinterest
And now onto one of the most important disciplines of all, gratitude.
434. rainy night
435. invitation to dinner
436. and mac & cheese
437. watching tv together
438. car ride talking away
439. her words “I feel much better now”
440. the chair I found on the curb
441. my aunt reupholstering it
442. pictures of dad
443. him smiling
444. the joy of hope
445. celebrating bff’s birthday
446. fun bowling
447. family stories
448. shopping with aunt
Not doing is easier than doing. And maybe this is why I had read it wrong all this time.
“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:31
I had thought it was “do not do to others…” and so I modeled my actions to not do. To not say hurtful words I would not like to hear myself. To not gossip about other. (And this is all well and fine, but there is more.)
Instead Jesus had been commanding me to do. To love as I want to be loved. This feels like it would take much more effort. And I have been thinking of what that would look like these past days. Wouldn’t I want to receive that phone call? The “thank you”? A car ride or a visit? Yes, this is how I would want others to do “onto” me.
At times I want to say “no”!. No you don’t deserve for me to go out of the way and do this nice thing for you. But what is grace? It is unmerited. And haven’t I received buckets full of it?
Other times I “do” to others and then I wait. Wait for my reward. The reward in my mind is being loved as I have loved. But then Jesus tells me: “And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full.” (Luke 6:34). Giving to those who cant repay. Loving them as I would like to be loved because Jesus calls me to do so, even when there is no reward in sight.
If we all lived like this, loving like this…what a different world it would be! At the most basic level, turning our actions to match how we would like to be treated does this: it takes the focus off ourselves, about how we have been wronged or unloved, and concerns us about others. That in itself is a reward. When I cease to be the center of my world, God can take His proper place.
344. spa day with the girls
345. soothing massage
346. exercising
347. good test results for mom
348. stories of waiting on God
349. prayer for my own waiting
350. a rainy day to stay inside
351. lower gas prices
352. a day off
353. friend’s family’s approval to come to US
354. a prayed for hour off
355. presentation that went well
356. voices lifted high in worship
Spring and Summer have always been my favorite seasons. Filled with color and sun. Vacations. Flowers. The ocean. As the end of Summer draws near, I want to shout “No”! to Fall. The longer nights, the grey skies, they make me sad. Spring and Summer are happier seasons.
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I think Fall arrived precisely Monday morning to Florida. Her arrival was subtle. A soft breeze. Tempertures not quit 90 degrees. I found myself smiling. It feels nice. Nice to have change.
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And then I remember that change can be good. Often when it arrives, like Fall, I realize it really isint all that bad. It brings newness that opens up to opportunities. Like cardigans instead of tank tops. Hot chocolate instead of lemonade.
“Heavenly Father thank you for today, for your many blessings
(glance around the room) I really like the new color on the bedroom walls. I need to find a nice painting to put there.
I ask that you help Jessica who is going through a difficult time…
I really should call her but its late. Maybe tomorrow. Better yet Ill text her. Let me text her right now before I forget.
Father, look at the many needs at our church. Please supply each one according to your riches.
(Alert sound from cellphone) Oh its my turn on Words with Friends! Let me just take a quick look and see how many points she scored.
Sorry God, where was I? Oh, please help me with the situation at work. Give me wisdom and show me your will.
Is today when their airing the new episode of Design Star? I better hurry up and finish so I can watch.
I ask for these things in Jesus’ name
Amen.”
*****
I wonder whether God listens to my prayers when they sound like this. I’m leaning towards a yes just because if not than 99% of my prayers never reach God!
Regardless, when my prayers are such, it is me who is missing out. I am cheating myself, not God. He certainly doesn’t need my prayers. I am missing out in the intimacy of prayer and the renewal and encouragement that results from such an intimate conversation.
I say like the disciples, “Lord, teach me to pray!”
Graduation season brings back sweet memories of my own graduations with my proud parents, family celebrations to mark the occasion, and a bright looking future. All this I was thinking about as I was reading the Bible last week. I began to read about Naaman, a successful army commander who was sick with leprosy. Not far into the reading, I stopped at this verse:
Now Naaman was commander of the army of the king of Aram. He was a great man in the sight of his master and highly regarded, because through him the LORD had given victory to Aram… 2 Kings 5:1
Here was this respected and admired man but the Bible pauses to clarify WHY he was so admired and to give credit to the one responsible for his success: God. How does this relate to my thoughts on graduation? Well Im not proud to admit that after I graduated I was pretty impressed with…well…myself. “Look at what I’ve accomplished…and so young!” Truthfully, I hadnt done anything exceptional but still in my heart there was pride.
The reality was that God had done the work through me. It was he who made it possible for me to attend college and graduate. It was he that gave me the strength and commitment to get through those years. And all of it happened because he allowed it.
Have you ever worked hard at something only for someone else to take the credit for it? Its unfair. This is what I did to God when I failed to give him the recognition.
Its not that Im against the “we’re proud of you” and “good job” accolades to graduates; instead Im reflecting on the state of my heart during the time and how I received those words. I am now coming to realize that nothing I have is my own, including this degree and so I have surrendered it to Him to with as pleases.
Recently I took and passed an important exam for my career. The congratulations from friends and family poured in (and I am thankful to feel that love) but none of them did I tuck into my heart. Instead I passed them on to the one deserving them all, my God.
There is a woman where I work who covers herself in black with only eyes visible; letting the world know she is a Muslim. What about me? When people look can they tell that I am God’s? My dress doesn’t say it. I don’t hold a Bible wherever I go. How will they know?
Jesus gives an answer: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
Well then, they will see it! I love family and friends. I love my brothers and sisters in Christ.
But then this…
Oh.
Am I no better than the tax-collector?
Too easily the evidence in my life comes to mind: The one who takes and takes from me and can’t give anything in return, the one whose hurt my loved ones and I fervently avoid, The one who God has showered grace on but I won’t because enough is enough, the hostile colleague who I join the others to speak unkind about.
That is the hard Valentine’s God calls his own to. THIS is how they will know. In loving the unlovable they will know I am one of his disciples.
Lord, help me love as you love. Full of grace and mercy, indiscriminately.
I continue to count blessings104. a goodnight kiss105. a friend’s trust106. a song that fit the moment perfectly107. Valentine’s lunch108. with 4 of the people who love me most109. words to speak110. and calm to speak them111. the 13 people that showed up to first support group meeting112. in the rain113. watching a friend be a dad114. a prayer from 2 strangers
God often uses Sunday sermons to speak to me, but sometimes I don’t pay Him any attention! I want to listen and remember and apply so I’m taking notes and sharing my personal application here.
The Pastor calls on me during service to share with the church a new ministry I am starting.
I panic.
I dread being in the spotlight. That’s exactly why I never wanted to start something, but rather quietly slip into an existing ministry. God does not seem to agree with my plan.
I explain to the congregation in quick words and short sentences and sit back down. I leave out the part about me ignoring for some time God’s call to start this ministry.
The new ministry is a support group for people suffering from depression. I cannot say I exclaimed a Yes! to God when I first felt him calling me to do this. I resisted until it was obviously clear this was what God wanted from me. Not coincidently, Sunday’s sermon was about the excuses we make when God calls us to His service.
I feel my Pastor must know I am an imposter, pretending to be helpful and altruistic. Does he know I do this because the consequences of not doing scare me more than saying YES to God?
I am guilty of all the excuses the Pastor mentioned that morning.
- Feeling Unworthy- “But Moses said to God, ‘Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?’ “ (Exodus 3:11) God, who am I to do this thing you are asking? Insignificant me do what?! This is essentially Moses’ reaction to God. Yet this is PRECISELY why God calls the likes of us, so that all the glory may go to him. That there will be no doubt that the one who made it happen was God, not man.
- Fear of rejection: “Moses answered, “What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The LORD did not appear to you’?”(Exo 4:1) Moses was afraid of the reaction of others. I wonder the same. Will anyone come or care? The outcome is not my responsibility. This is God’s work, I leave results to him.
- Our limitations- Moses had a speech impediment that he felt would prevent him from carrying out what God was asking of him. God, who created Moses, knew this when he called him. I similarly made it clear to God I could not do it and included a list of my handicaps. I was right. In my own strength I cannot. With God, I can.
None of our excuses can stand in light of who God is. He is strength in our weaknesses, our source of worth, our protector.
And how great is God, that when I say yes to His call, he honors me.
Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me. John 12:26
Oh Father, of your honor I am the most unworthy.
God often uses Sunday sermons to speak to me, but sometimes I don’t pay Him any attention! I want to listen and remember and apply so I’m taking notes and sharing my personal application here.
But you have made me as strong as a wild ox.You have anointed me with the finest oil.
The other day my friend jokingly teased that he lifts weights at the gym that are heavier than me. I don’t doubt him, with my small frame that is no great feat. It goes without saying that I am NOT physically strong, but that is not the only strength that I lack.
Often, I have prayed to be like those who are emotionally strong and have no fears. God decided to give me something much better: His strength.
A wild ox (or buffalo as translated in some versions) is a massive animal whose strength can make it very dangerous. And God compares the strength he gives to that of a wild ox?
I wrote down words my pastor said: It is time we believe what God has said.
It is hard for me to believe the strength will be there when I need it. I want it now. That way, I don’t have to trust and trusting can be hard for me.
Yet time after time, I have seen the strength delivered at the moment I have needed it. So that all I can say is “this was God and not me”.
I am strong indeed, not in my own strength but in He who is all-powerful. It is time to believe it.
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This week I am thankful for
72. Phone call with the news that aunt’s surgery went well, doctors found no surprises
73. Her smile when I went to see her at the hospital
74. Email accepting a request from miles away
75. Another email from a cousin I’ve never met sharing that she has returned to God!
76. God’s Word on my phone
77. Movie night
78. Photography session with a beautiful friend
79. at the beach!
We had been enjoying our day together, my twelve-year old friend and I. A great movie, nice lunch, and now some last-minute Christmas shopping.
It was there in the middle of the shopping, seemingly out of nowhere that she says it.
“Is it because of me?” Confused I ask what she means.
“Are you mad because of me?”
“Why would you think I’m mad?” I ask, but I know the answer. I’d lost my patience with her and although my words had not been unkind the tone behind them said what my words did not.
There is no better mirror than a child to reflect the impact of words. As adults, we quickly mask our hurt and disappointment when unkind words are spoken. But children, in their honesty, show it all. The fact that my patience was lost was my fault, not hers. But my words made her feel shame and for that I am the one who is ashamed. I think about how many times I’ve hurt with my words.
When I was in first grade my teacher called my mother for a parent-teacher conference. Bewildered and worried since I had never been in trouble a day of my life, my mom went. The teacher wondered if something was going on at home since I was so quiet in class. Nothing was. From a young age my words have been few. And all this thinking about the impact of my words makes me wonder about the words I haven’t spoken. The words of encouragement I haven’t given, the gratitude I haven’t expressed, the testimonies I’ve kept to myself.
What of my words?
I have been reading about the importance of words and so when challenged to name the coming year, I know what it will be. 2011 is to be The Year of Words for me
- Of allowing He who was named The Word to fill my heart because out of the abundance of the heart the tongue speaks
- Of reading more of God’s Word so that I may learn to use my words to build up and not tear down.
- Of speaking words that need to be spoken rather than hiding behind my safety blanket of quiet.
Lord, in 2011 I give you my voice to make it your own.
