Posts Tagged ‘doubt’
It’s a Monday not unlike others. A girl with downcast eyes and tells me what happened that weekend. She didn’t want to, he didn’t stop. After I’ve gotten home from helping her begin to sort through the aftermath of this violence, I fight to not allow the thoughts that are trying to surface. “Why did God…” I know there will be no answers, at least none easy to understand.
Soon after a friend shares with me her own suffering, and though I try to keep the word from being spoken, I ask them out loud to this person whose no stranger to them.
I ask it for me and for all the Monday-girls who’ve sat in my office.
The answer my friend gives surprises because it clicks and I have to sit for a while processing: “We are all collectively suffering the consequences of each other’s sins”. This makes sense to me. Illness, murder, war, poverty, abuse. This suffering we experience in life is in its core humanity suffering the consequences of choosing our way since the days of Eden.
My mom tells me not to ask why but accept. I think though that God can handle my questions.
I realize that when days of trouble come, as they do for everyone, I need a solid faith built on God’s truths.
But what are those truths? What does God’s Word say about the suffering we experience?
This is where my questions have led me, to His Word. I have begun to delve into the Bible to hear from God.
In the end, questions or doubts that lead us to God are a good thing, don’t you think?
So I am here, quietly reading and asking. Hoping to share in this space what I learn.
150. aunt showing off her post-chemo hair
151. laughing hard at the movies
152. family gathered
153. red shoes on sale!
154. Saturday shopping
155. my name written on the Book of Life
156. early appt canceled
157. slow Monday
158. Youth gathered to serve
159. Up on time!
160. watching “Dora” with S
161. Im worth more than many sparrows
162. group gathered sharing God’s faithfulness amidst trials
164. 8 kids in my Sunday School class
165. and their inquisitive minds
166. home early on Friday
167. her growing baby bump
168. and baby shower planning
169. that I was blind but now I see
170. aunt’s macaroni salad
171. chocolate molten lava cake
Often times my faith is small indeed.
And I despair thinking how disappointed God must be.
Then I remember the words of Jesus:
“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed,
you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move.
Nothing will be impossible for you.”
My focus should not be on the size of my faith, but on the incredible power of my God.
Who can do the impossible with my mustard seed-sized faith.
When did you know what career path you wanted to take? For me it was elementary school and seeing the nice school counselor help the children. That’s what I want to do I thought, help. And so from that moment on I didn’t think twice about the age-old question “what will you be when you grow up?”
I became a social worker.
But today I sit in doubt. What am I doing? I can’t help these people! I am in need of help myself. If they knew! If they knew me what would they say?
I pick up my Bible and read about when God speaks to Jeremiah. He speaks to me.
The word of the LORD came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
“Alas, Sovereign LORD,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”
But the LORD said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD. -Jeremiah 1:4-8
As I read I insert my own excuses, my doubts for Jeremiah’s. I listen to what God responds. “You must go… I command you… Do not be afraid” And then I begin to understand that it is not about me at all but about the God who has called me to do this thing of reaching out to the hurting even as I hurt.
I am no perfect vessel yet he never has demanded me to be. Instead he asks for obedience. Go. Be. Do.
What do you believe God has called you to? What doubts keep you from stepping out?